Tonight's Big Speech

Wow, what a day. Big Guy and I have been busy for hours rehearsing this State of the Union Address. I hope all of you are ready, because it's going to be a long one. I mean, really long.

Just to prepare, we had Toes and Gibbsy and a few other staffers sit in on the rehearsals this afternoon. If you factor in the 43 standing ovations and 35 other applause lines we counted ourselves, this speech could go on for hours.

Now I should tell you that there is no truth to the rumors that Big Guy is going to not be using me tonight, or that he's giving me up for one of those newfangled iPads. Let's face it. The man does only a few things well, and he's going to announce that he's not going to spend any more of your money. Without the spending, that's leaves reading from my screens as the only skill for which he seems to have any aptitude. Well, there's also being patronizing, but as Toes says, that's less of a skill than a natural talent for Big Guy. All in all, I think I'm safe.

You may be wondering what Big Guy is going to talk about tonight. Well, he's going to talk a lot about taxes and jobs, especially how he's going to use the same formula we used in New Hampshire's 73rd Congressional District, where in a matter of days last October we achieved almost full employment. He's also, out of concern for national security, going to call for the strengthening of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Now some people might look at that as just a shout out to his girl Ellen, since we're basically sucking up the "American Idol" time slot. But, no, we're not talking about the one about gays in the military. We're talking about the the new White House policy that means we won't have to keep hearing about that pesky "transparency in government" issue all the time.

Finally, Big Guy's biggest mission tonight is to show that he understands that Americans are angry with him, as well as the failed Bush Administration and its failed policies that failed. Big O feels the best way he can do this is by explaining to his fellow citizens why they are mad. Which brings me back to giving Big Guy something to do: because if he can't spend your tax dollars, and you don't want him reading off my screens, being patronizing may be the only thing left he can give to his country. And in that regard we all know Big Guy has a lot to give.